Sickness Stinks, Until You See the Scale:)

So I have been very sick since Wednesday, barely able to eat anything until last night we went to the Cheesecake factory, and I was able to manage a little meal and piece of cheesecake :).

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, I hate to be sick. It's especially hard with a little one when you feel dizzy and nauseated so you can't play with him like you want. But my husband and mom jumped in to help and we all survived.

I did feel a little better when I got on the scale yesterday morning and lost 1.8 for the week! Just need to keep this going now.

Mom is going healthy for thankgiving, sugar free, low-fat, that kind of thing. I was a little sad when she told me that, but appreciate her efforts. My mom has lost over 50 lbs and is less than 9 lbs from her goal weight! She is going to be 70 next June and now walks 4 miles 5 days a week and is very active and healthy! She is a good inspiration.

Alright, I'm going to rest, still not feeling the best. Stay strong over Thanksgiving.

I lost .6

I just wanted to report in that I lost .6 lbs this week...not the best but I was happy to have a loss. Hard weekend at home, lots of temptations. Today hasn't been great either but it's only Monday!

Serious about Being Serious

So, I hate to keep posting when I'm not making positive progress. I have continued to gain weight week after week lately, which has been very discouraging. I know I deserve it, but I just hope against all reality that I will be rewarded for WANTING to change vs actually CHANGING.

This week in my bible study I asked that people pray that I get serious. That I was so tired of asking for help and then not being serious.

I blame others for my lack or discipline, I blame the time of year (Halloween candy), job (sometimes stressful), being tired, being happy, being busy, being bored....pretty much I blame everyone but myself.

So, I am stripping away the things that I blame and rely on too much...right now I am not getting accountability calls, I'm not rewarding myself for working out, my goal is to just do it.

I need to get serious! My mini goal is to loose 10-15 lbs by Christmas. I will try to report my progress each week.

$500 Cookies

I went home this last weekend to see my neices compete in the county fair.

Fairs are the devil...

Or atleast the food is.

I didn't do bad I thought, but when I got home the scale told me different. Oh well...back on the wagon again!

The cool news is my neice baked cookies for a junior competition and got grand champion. The cookies were then auctioned off and the buyers paid $500! She was so excited I wanted to cry for her. I once sold a cake at the same fair for $400. It seems crazy I know, but just the fact that the community supports the youth in such an amazing way is really heart warming. Made me miss the small town America I grew up in.

Not too much else to report, oh, go to http://www.sparkpeople.com/, it's a site a friend told me about. I haven't done a ton on it yet, but it's free and let's you track calories, fat, etc. It also has recipees and things like that, looks like a good one!

Turning a Page?

I have felt myself change in the last few weeks. A change of heart, a change of mind...a change. I am truely tired of being overweight. And I can remember that I'm tired of this feeling every moment of every day, and rather than being tired and depressed I am determined and hopeful.

I had a good week this week, lost over 2 lbs, which is slow going but a healthy rate to loose at.

I am turning a page; I'm done with not controlling myself. It's a long journey but it's going to be a good one.

The Biggest Loser

Isn't it funny how a television show can change the meaning of a label? Suddenly everyone wants to be the Biggest Loser, suddenly people are chearing others on to be the Biggest Loser. All over the world people are having contests to see who the Biggest Loser is...amazing.

I watched the season premier of The Biggest Loser last night. It was amazing. Those people were just working their little tails off, and what a humbling experience to see your weight on a scale in front of hundreds/thousands/millions of people.

I don't like that when someone "only" lost 7 lbs her first week she was considered a slacker. I realize that these people are working out full-time, surrounded with fitness help and healthy eating advice, so their losses are going to be...amazing, but also a bit unrealistic for the rest of us.

So, I encourage your to be encouraged by these loosers. But also realize that you won't be able to, nor should you be expected to, loose that much weight in a weeks time...that is unless you have time to work out 8 hours a day!

Cheer for these big loosers, and become a looser yourself, that is what I've decided to do.

By the way, I set my alarm an hour earlier this morning, bound and determined to work out before work. I actually got up, but a quick illness kept me from doing it (big bummer). I'm proud of getting out of bed atleast!

I went to the doctor, hopefully I'll get this health stuff cleared up so I can work out and become a big not-fat looser!

Diet Coke and Cinnamelts Please....

I packed up my son and headed into town; I was going to get drive-thru. The whole time I was battling in my head what I should get and what I shouldn't get and how it was silly for me to be paying for food when I didn't really want something.

So, I did what every reasonable person would that is trying to loose weight, I drove through the golden arches, got a diet coke, and a chicken sandwich (fried), fries, and oh, yeah, cinnamelts.

Ridiculous.

I am going to give up fast food. No kidding.

You have probably wondered where I am, how my weight loss is going. I must say that I am still in the same place I have been for years, frustrated and with little faith in myself. I have gained weight, yeah, gained, and have been half-heartedly battling the bulge ever since I last posted.

I kept thinking, I need to post again. Then I thought, what would I post about? That I have a ton of people holding me accoutable, cheering for me, praying for me, yet I still fail? That, I got a new scale, started rewarding myself for working out, and started meeting with two wonderful women every Saturday morning, yet I still fail? Cried to myself, cried to my husband, cried with my husband, cried to God, yet I still fail?

I am so so very sick of this battle. It is a long long road, but I'm sick of loosing.

more to come, hopefully about success.

Embarassed to be in Indiana

I went to Indiana this weekend to visit with my husband's family. It was a fun weekend. We stayed at a beautiful park (www.springmillin.com), went swimming, had a reunion, and caught up with everyone. But, at times I found myself dreading the trip, and then, once we were there, dreading seeing everyone.

I realized on Saturday it was because of my weight. I am just so heavy now that I hate the way I look. I feel like everyone is judging me. When I walk away, I fear that they all whisper, "wow, Sara has put on a lot of weight since we saw her last." I fear that because that is exactly what I would think/say.

Oh the irony.

I told my wonderful husband that I was sometimes uncomfortable around his family. At first I said it was because I still didn't know all of them that well. But as I sat in our dark hotel room, flipping through the TV channels I faced my own reality. I am embarassed of me. I am uncomfortable because of me.

So, on the drive home I told him by this time next year I want to be thinner...a lot thinner (there were some other goals too but they are private).

Skinny Sara has fun in Indiana

my 2008 blog title:)

The Beck Diet Solution

Hello all~
I started reading a new book last night called the Beck Diet Solution. Other people that I know (virtually) have been reading and commenting on it so I decided to give it a try. It's a really interesting book so far.

The book will work with any healthy diet, which is nice. The premise is that people are not successful dieters because they never learned how to think as a thin person. The writer is open and honest about what you will have to do in order to loose weight and keep it off.

I like honesty.

For example, she said you will always have to eat a restricted diet. Bummer....

But, she also states that through the exercises in her book you will learn to want to eat a restricted diet vs. feeling deprived. You will enjoy not feeling overly full or knowing you are making the right choices.

She also stated that most thin people restrict their diet. They might not think about it because it happens very naturally for them, but they do it. I started thinking of all my "thin" friends and I would agree with that.

So, I'm hoping to Think Like A Thin Person. I'll let you know how it goes.

This week on the diet has been going pretty well, though I may be fooling myself because the scale is not agreeing with me.

RESISTANT To Change

All~
I got my blood work results back. I had high cholesterol...including high bad cholesterol, and high insulin levels. The doctor is putting me on some medicine for the insulin. I'm not diabetic...not yet anyway.

It is time to bet my butt in gear and change...no joking around anymore and thinking I'm young and I can do anything and that I carry my weight well and that I am heavy but healthy.

I am pretty sure I am insulin resistant...what does that mean? Well, from what I've read it means you have high insulin, but you are not diabetic. If left alone it can turn into type 2 diabetes. Symptoms include-weight gain, fatigue, weight gain around your abdomen, hard time loosing weight, craving sugar and high-carb items, and some other things. I have all of that.

I go on medicine for 1 month to try and get my weight down and insulin and chloresterol under control.

I am 27

I am too young for this.

Going to Get some blood work

Hi all,
So sorry I haven't been on for a while. Things are going ok. Last weeks weigh in I lost 1 lb, which is great because I did not expect to loose anything.

I saw my doctor about my weight troubles and she ordered some blood work. I'm going to get my insulin tested (diabetes runs in the family), glucose tolerance, and thyroid (also runs in the family). I'll let you know how it goes.

On one hand I'm hoping something shows up so that I'll know why I'm having such a hard time loosing weight. On the other hand I do not want anything to show up because it may mean a lifetime commitment to taking medicine. So, I am torn.

My friend the other day suggested that I come up with things to keep me motivated...like how my back hurts and I don't want it to anymore...or I want to run around with my son and not be tired....I'm trying to come up with a good, honest list for that.

Week is going better

hi all,
Just wanted to let you know that this week is a little better. I have tracked my points all but yesterday...and didn't eat very well yesterday or today, but I have done some activity every day and been eating better in general, so that is good.

WW ice cream- bought some mint chocolate chip today, it's expensive but good.

I won't be able to weigh in on Saturday; I'm still debating on whether to weight in tomorrow or not.

Gained 1.8

Weighed in...gained 1.8. I was sad but not shocked. I'm writing every bite down so far, which is good for me.

Fake It Until You Make It

I was going to title this blog, I don't want to weigh in. My weigh ins are Saturday morning. I picked this so that my husband and I could still go on a date Saturday evening without me freaking out about my weight.

But, today my parents came into town and I used that as my excuse to be bad. I ate out for 2 of my meals, drank a regular soda, and snacked (though on low-point food) WAYYYYYY to much.

So, I don't want to weigh in.

But, as I was typing it I remembered something a friend told me several months ago. She is part of a Yahoo support group that is on WW and one of the lady's was saying, Fake it until you make it.

From my understanding she was saying, focus on the good of the week. Talk about what you have learned, what you have done well, what you know is right, rather than focusing too much on what you have done wrong.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't face up to your week and your mistakes, but I think too often we concentrate on those things.

So, what I did well:
I worked out 3 days...once on my elliptical, once on my new bike, and once taking a long walk with my son. I tracked my points 6 days. I tried new, low-point snacks that I was afraid I wouldn't like.

What have you done well?

Ahhh Yes

Ahh Yes, prayer.

You were right on Krissie.

I used to pray all the time. Driving, walking in the halls at school, sitting at my computer at work. But, as I've gotten married and had a child, and have gotten busy, I have forgotten what my anchor should be.

I have faced a lot of hard questions about prayer. And I must say I do not know all the answers, but I can say I need prayer.

Thank you for the reminder.

Two Things Need to Happen

My husband and I have discussed trying for our 2nd child a lot. I would like to start trying soon. A while ago we had decided that when our first was a year we would try again. Our son is almost 10 months old.

When he was 6 months old I said, I want to loose 30 lbs before I get pregnant again. I have 6 months to do that, no problem.

I still weigh the same and I have 2 months left.

I didn't really have a difficult pregnancy, but I did have gestational diabetes and a lot of back pain that I had to go to a physical therapist for. I'm hoping that loosing weight will relieve some of that pain.

The other thing...I would like to be able to stay at home with our kids. I'm not sure I can find a babysitter for 2 little ones that we can afford. Jason is hoping to be full-time at the end of the year, but that is not certain.

So, two things needs to happen, Jas needs to be able to work full-time (most likely), but, the one thing I have control over, my weight, needs to go down before we have another little one.

I love my son and would love to have another...I've been writing down names:). I hope those names will keep me anchored in my journey.

What are your anchors?

Quaker Oats Snacks

This is just a quick post to tell you about some good, quick breakfast items I have found. Quaker Oats is making some "on-the-go" snacks now that are pretty yummy. They have a good source of fiber and protein in them. Just watch your points. Some are 4 points, some are 3, some are 2. They are in the aisle with Nutrigrain bars and things like that. I currently have a breakfast bar (4 points) that is cinnamon and brown sugar...warm it up 10 secs and it is YUMMY. I also am trying blueberry breakfast bars (2 points) that are good too, a little smaller.

They have breakfast cookies too that I haven't tried yet, but as my weight watchers leader said, there is just something about having the words "breakfast" and "cookie" together that makes them sound oh-so-good;).

Track points and have a great day!
Sara

In Between My Ears

I was going for 16 weeks at Weight Watchers. 16 consecutive weeks. But, as I was getting closed I became very discouraged at the fact that I weighed the same as I did when I started.

I didn't want to have 16 weeks of yo-yo weight recorded that didn't go anywhere.

So I started over today. It was cheaper anyway. The woman who lead me through the re-registration process was wonderful. She said, you can keep your old book.

I think she saw the look on my face....

And then said, or, if it will depress you, hold you back, we'll get rid of it and you will have a new start.

I gladly went with the 2nd option.

So today I get a fresh start. The meeting was about not using a "Get Me Off The Hook" Excuse. I use those every single day, no kidding. Here are some examples:

My mom made home made cake, I can't turn it down, it will hurt her feelings.
Ritters just opened and it is so nice outside, let's go get ice cream.
I had a bad week, let's go out tonight.
I'm tired but want to stay awake to spend time with my husband, I'll drink this Mt. Dew.
Work has free pizza...I mean, it's free, how can I turn that down?

Weight Watchers is not about not eating. That is what I love about it. You can have what you love, but you must plan. When you get rid of rationalizing, excuses, and replace it with planning, you will win the battle.

I was reminded today that my weight loss battle is not won/lost in my stomach, or my theighs, or my rear end;). I will win/loose this battle by using my mind. Our weight loss leader, who is a wonderful, wise woman today said, the most important part of your weight loss journey is the 4 inches between your ears.

Snow, Dove Eggs, and a New Bike

Easter is a wonderful holiday. In the past it has been one of my favorites. A chance to hang out with my family, a happy day at church, and a chance to eat lots of candy:).

I bought some Dove Eggs today and ate way too many of them. I love chocolate, and really anything sweet. You could say I have a sweet tooth.

When the weather was warm I was getting outside a lot. Working in the garden and taking my son on walks. We would go to the Greene (an outdoor mall) just to walk around. But now with the snow I am sitting around a lot more, avoiding the elliptical machine in the basement that is so very convienent.

I sold my bike last week. It was too big for me and I didn't feel comfortable riding it. The exciting thing is now I can buy one that fits me well so my husband and I can start riding together again. We even have a little ride along thing for our son on the back. I have been shopping for helmets.

I haven't been tracking my points. I can't tell you why. I'm just being lazy. I do what I do not want to do and I do not do what I want to do. On the inside I want to feel better, be thinner, healthier....but it is a constant battle and before I know it I have a Dove chocolate in my mouth and am in the drive though at Taco Bell.

I am going to give up regular soda. My first mini-goal.

Enjoy Easter, enjoy time with family, enjoy the brightly decorated churches, happy sermons, and little girls in their pretty new Easter dresses. Enjoy the social time and the celebration. Remember what you really like about holidays. And you will make it through.

Please pray for me. I feel very disheartened.

Two in One Day

I didn't weigh in this week. I decided my heart and my little, itsy-bitsy bit of self esteem that I had couldn't take it. I knew I would show a gain so I didn't do it.

I told my husband on Thursday that I didn't think I could handle it. He sighed, was frustrated (I could tell), but didn't say anything to try and convince me to go. I'm glad I didn't go.

But the weekend went badly. I was going to be so so super good so that this next week I could handle a weigh in.

I'll go Saturday, I must! I will track my points starting tomorrow. I must!

If there is anyone that is reading this that has thought, I don't need to track my points. Let me tell you, you are wrong! This is my 4th or so time on on WW and this is my 14 week and I have only lost a few of those weeks.

I can answer almost any question about WW. I can tell you the points value for almost any food. I can give you tips and encouragement and advice. But I gain weight all the time because I don't track my points.

I'll keep you up-to-date!

By the way, has anyone tracked points from evening to afternoon (rather than morning to night)?

Eat Your Heart Out Superman

I had a full day today. I was up earlier than I wanted to be with the little one, but he smiled and giggles and rolled around our bed so I wasn't in a grumpy mood for very long.

I decided to skip church and have a relaxing day at home. I quickly changed my mind and got Mason and I ready for first service. I felt like Jason wanted me there and wanted to honor that. I'm glad I went.

We have been discussing community in church. Not churchy, tired, surfacy community, REAL community. Community that is available when you need it, community that is loving, in your face, nagging, annoying, full of grace community. The community we all long for but for some reason are scared to live out.

I'm glad I went.

Today's lesson was on the power that we hold as believers. We talked about how we, as children wanted to be superheros (I wanted to be rich and skinny, I don't think that is a super power). We talked about how we dreamed of flying and leaping over buildings and helping people in some crazy way. We talked about how Jesus healed the blind, raised poeple from the dead, made the lame walk, fed the 5000.

Jesus was a superhero.

Then, we went over verses that I have heard a 100 times before, but never really thought about. Dave talked about how we have all the powers that Jesus had on earth, more so in fact. He (Jesus) said that we could do more than he had done because of the Spirit dwelling inside of us, if we only had faith.

Eat Your Heart Out Superman.

So....what is wrong then?

All around me people are sad, depressed, angry, disappointed, hurt, sick, dying. More so, people are dull. We are living safe, normal, non-superman lives.

I myself am so wrapped up in my weight issues, the battle of the bulge (the bulge is winning), that I forget about everything else.

I forget about Jesus and what he really wants us to do.

So, how do we experience superhuman powers?
We get closer to Jesus.
How do we get closer to Jesus?
We serve others.

WHAT?!?

We serve others.
Phillipians 2:3-7 ...consider others better than yourselves...made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant.

My friends, strangers, weight loss buddies. I hope you are all still reading, whether believers or not, I hope you are all still reading.

Want to get over your own problems? Want to see some amazing, unexplainable things happen? What to be a superhero?

Serve others.

I Deserve It

Today I weighed in and lost 2.8 lbs. That is a great loss for one week.

I thought I deserved more.

I tracked my WW points every single day, didn't eat big dinners if I didn't have the points, and didn't use more than my allotted flex points.

I thought I deserved more.

Since I did have a good loss and since I was on my own for the weekend I decided to treat myself to breakfast at McDonald's. I love breakfast at McDonalds.

I thought I deserved it.

At the baby shower I didn't eat too bad, I had carrots and strawberries and a little piece of angel food cake. And 3 brownies and 3 glasses of punch...after all, I had driven so far and had my son to take care of by myself and I hadn't been to a party in ages.

I thought I deserved it.

On the way home I was super tired and hungry for a "meal." After all, I wouldn't have a whole lot of time to eat at home and I didn't feel like fixing something for my son and me so I stopped by Wendy's for some caffine and a value meal.

I thought I deserved it.

I indulged, and indulged again, and over indulged. I had more than what I've listed here...I can give you every excuse in the book. I'm really good at this game after a life time of "treating" myself to food.

I probably gained my 2.8 back tonight. I probably used all my flex points (I'll count here in a bit).....

But, I deserve it.

Surgical Prayer

Today at church we talked about community. It was a part of a series of sermons my pastor was doing. Today's talk was on a community needing a common purpose to bond them together. It was a good sermon.

One thing he talked about was how uncomfortable real community can be. Real meaning you share true feelings. You share your hopes, your dreams, your struggles....and, you give each other permisison to correct you in a loving way.

That is scary.

He said we tend to be broad with our problems when we speak to each other. We say, please pray for some decisions we have to make this week....or, we are struggling in our marriage right now, please pray for us. But, we should really be specific, maybe because it will help us realize when prayers are really answered, maybe because we should just really share what is on our hearts, no matter how uncomfortable.

His example:

If you had cancer and was going into surgery, would you want the doctor to say something like,
We don't really know where the cancer is
So we will just operate in this general area
Take out some stuff
And then we will probably get it?

I'm guessing your answer is no. But yet we treat prayer this way. Sure, God knows what is going on in our lives...but why are we so scared to share the messy details with each other?

Give surgical detail to your prayers and hopes and dreams my friends...let the true community build like we all really want in our lives.

You can't replace chips with carrots

You can't replace chips with carrots and think that you have solved all your problems. You are still substituting food for an emotion. Sure, it's a better choice, but when one of those wicked emotional times come up you will laugh at the idea of eating carrots for comfort, and rip open the bag of lays.

You will never be able to completely remove yourself from hard food situations. Everyone will continue to celebrate with food. Krispee Cream will continue to offer free donuts for straight A's, Sue will continue to order birthday cakes for the office, and you will continue to feel.

We talked today at Weight Watchers about emotional eating. I have a friend that joins me at the meetings. I had missed last weeks topic and therefore, the announcement of this weeks topic. Allison said, this is a good one for you to go to. She knows me well.

I had tears in my eyes almost the whole time we discussed the emotional eating. Part of it was because I was realizing more and more about myself and the journey I must take. Part of it was the relief of not being alone. Here was a room full of people struggling with their weight like me, and all of them ate to fill an emotion instead of feeling it.

Feel, don't feed, your emotions.

That is the lesson I must embrace. Reframing is what Weight Watchers calls it. Picture yourself during an emotional time (it can be any emotion) and the frame around it is how we handle that emotion. Replace the current way of acting (current frame) with the way you want to act in your mind (reframing). Practice reframing when you are not in the depth of that emotion, because if you try to reframe when you are in the middle of some battle it will seem impossible.

By the way, I gained .4 lbs this week...sickening really! I deserved to gain but hoped beyond all hopes that I would loose anyway. I think I will learn eventually that a plan works if you stick to the plan.

Who Will I Blame?

Last Night my husband and I had a great talk. Parts of it were difficult, parts of it were challenging, but all of it was good. I learned more about him and a lot about myself. I learned that I love him more than ever, that I have a deep deep desire to be a wonderful mother, that I do not want to be comfortable in my Christian walk, and, that I am a total addict when it comes to food!

We were talking about something that often causes a rift between my husband and I. He wanted me to tell him to give it up; I just couldn't tell him that. You see, I really feel that if I did that it would cause bitterness between us eventually. I think that if something changes it will have to be his decision. We talked about it and talked and I tried to come up with an equivelant issue for me. Something that I feel like I put above my family at times, something that I am addicted to. We thought it might be TV, but in my heart I knew that wasn't true. Then it hit me as I started to use one example...

It is food.

You see, I know that it is not only better for me to be healthy, but it would be better for our marriage and better for my son. I would have more energy, more self-esteem, a better example. I know all these things.

But I choose food.

I know I must make the decision to live a better life on my own. I want my husband to say, You need to loose weight. I want someone to blame for feeling bad. I don't want this to be my fault.

I must choose this for myself. I can only blame myself.

A Moment of Chocolate=A Lifetime of Fat

Ever set out on a new week determined to live life differently? Decide that you will be nicer, happier, more relaxed? Ever lay in bed and realize that your priorities are all messed up? That you want to start spending more time playing with your kids, show your spouse that you love them, pray more to God? Ever start the week full of hope for what is to come?

Ever decide that you are going to change your life?

I think that I decide these things and desire these changes every day. One such desire is to eat healthier, to loose weight. Sounds like such a small thing compared to the items listed above, but it really isn't a small thing. You see, I am addicted to food.

I am going to weight watchers. I think this is probably the fourth or fifth time that I've joined. I really am too embarassed to keep count at this point. I have been going for about 11 or 12 weeks straight and weigh more than when I started. Right now the food is winning the war.

But, I just can't give up this time. So I go back, week after week, and pay a lady to tell me that I've gained 1.2 lbs. She looks embarassed for me at times. I say, it's okay, I knew it was going to be a bad week (again, I think). I know though if I give up and stop going to meetings that I will completely fall off the wagon.

So, I go.

The thing is I must be able to keep my long-term hopes and desires at a higher priority than my need for instant gratification. I have to want those desires more than I want chocolate, or something salty, or just anything that I can sink my teeth into.

You see, every day I hope, but then I open the pantry and this rebellious nature in me says,
you should be able to eat that,
you aren't ridiculous, just hungry,
you have had a bad day, it's okay to comfort your self,
you had a good day, you should celebrate,
you are bored...you are stressed...you worked out...you need to relax.

I am a rebellious person. I want it all. I want the cute body and the chocolate. But I must choose. I cannot have my moments of rebellion anymore if I do not want my lifetime of fat.

What will you choose?